Reparations and Other Things

By Thomas Wengel

04/27/2001

 

I think I have the solution to the reparation problem, along with a few other victim status issues. The easiest way would be to cover all the possibilities; get it done in one fell swoop and move on with our lives. So here goes:

 

Take the American Indians for instance; we couldn’t enslave them, although we tried, so I think we should give them all the casino land and oil fields they want, if they say they’re sorry for all the scalps they took and the wagons they burned.

 

Then how about the Chinese; they took in our laundry for several generations until we discovered they were rocket scientists, so I think we should not only let them keep the Panama Canal, but we ought to let them have our broken spy plane. After all, there are not too many military secrets that they haven’t already stolen or that Clinton didn’t sell them.

 

We can’t skip over Israel. We have financed their military since 1949 to the tune of $81 billion dollars. How much more do they need? Instead, we should institute an immediate aid cutoff, and in its place, give all members of the Knessete and the PLO violent video games to satisfy their need for perpetual bloodshed.

 

Let’s not forget homosexuals. They have been on the back end of things for so long that we should give them the rest of San Francisco, as long as they promise to be true to each other.

 

And let’s not forget the militant feminists. I say Victoria’s Secret gift certificates for any that can say they ever loved a man, or thought about raising children in a two-parent family. We should get by cheap with this one.

 

Oh yes, let’s not forget what started it all, black chattel slavery. It’s been said they were promised 40 acres and a mule; if we find any slaves still living, we should keep that promise. But that’s unlikely, so the next best thing would be to give they’re descendants a choice; a large sum of money with the stipulation that their extended families play back any welfare received, or that they abandon rap music and baggy pants.

 

And as far as disbursement of any reparation money, the Chicago City Council can administer it. Well, on second thought maybe that’s not such a good idea, we’d probably have to fund it twice.

 

If I’ve missed your favorite minority group, please don’t feel ostracized, offended, or discriminated against, it’s just that you haven’t whined enough to be included.